Imagine a 150-pound marshmallow with jowls, and you’ve met the Mastiff. This noble colossus is equal parts knight and weighted blanket. They’ll protect your home from imaginary threats like squirrels, doorbells, or Amazon boxes—but only after they've finished their nap, which may take… all day. Their bark can rattle walls, but most of the time, they’re snoozing with one eye half-open in a puddle of drool.

Training a Mastiff isn’t about dominance—it’s about convincing them that getting off the couch is worth it. They respond best to gentle firmness, treats the size of baseballs, and couches built for giants. They're smart but slow to react—partly because they need to calculate the energy-to-effort ratio before standing up.

Despite their size and medieval guard-dog reputation, they’re famously tolerant with kids, even letting toddlers decorate them like living room furniture. Just be warned: their tail is a wrecking ball, and their kisses may drown you. But once a Mastiff chooses you, you’ll never feel unprotected—or un-snuggled—again.