The Bullmastiff is what you’d get if a security guard and a teddy bear merged into one drooling, snoring cuddle bouncer. With the presence of a tank and the temperament of a monk on melatonin, this dog doesn’t bark much—but when it does, the UPS guy reconsiders his career. They’re sweet and affectionate with family, especially kids, as long as they’re socialized early (and preferably not mistaken for a beanbag chair). While they’ll absolutely protect your home from intruders, they draw the line at chasing squirrels—too much cardio. Their idea of fetch is watching you go get it. Grooming’s easy, training’s easier (if they trust you), and though they’re huge, they rarely throw their weight around—unless there's food involved.